


refused desires

by venitempus



Series: Psychological Short Stories: Madness Unfolded [1]
Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Angst, College AU, M/M, Psychological Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-22 19:22:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21081809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/venitempus/pseuds/venitempus
Summary: Chanyeol is a teacher at the university and he is not happy with his life at all. He hates reading papers, holding lectures and mentoring his stupid students. His life turns upside down when a certain student, Baekhyun, shows him better ways to enjoy life. The apparently low-life troubled student, turns out to be the epitome of beauty and possibility to Chanyeol.





	1. beauty

**Author's Note:**

> Pairing: Baekhyun x Chanyeol (top!baek)
> 
> Warnings: yaoi, mature language, descriptive sexually charged scenes (NOT smut), age-gap, smoking
> 
> Words Count: 9905 (all 3 chapters)
> 
> Note: This story was written roughly two years ago (November 2017) and has remained unedited since. Still, I am fond of the story and I hope you will enjoy reading it, as much as I enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> Disclaimer: This story has been partly inspired by Oscar Wilde's novel The Picture of Dorian Gray, my favourite book. I will use quotes from it here and there and point them out accordingly. The rest of the story is my invention, so do not steal, re-post or translate without permission. Thank you!
> 
> All rights reserved. © 2017, venitempus.

** **

There were numerous shapes on the flat surface, some more colourful than others, but the dominant colour was _white_. What a plain colour, really. White. It says nothing, nothing useful at least. Walls are painted white just because people lack that bit of imagination our lives need, that tiny sparkle some like to collect in a bottle and let it shine throughout the room at night. And what for, if people keep on painting white over colours? The speck of brown barely shines under all that white and certainly, nobody would even think that there is some blue hidden there too. In this situation, the white represents distress. It represents something people do not appreciate as much as they should: _paper_. Piles after piles of paper, all inked in black, all useless. But for some, they represent the monotony of life. Being surrounded by piles of paper, that cover _all colours_ that make every single sparkle _die_. Reality is, however, depressing like that and we have, we _must_ accept it.

A groan echoed in the stuffed room. The windows were pressed closed and the air was getting thinner. It was almost as if someone caught the groan in a plastic bag and suffocated it, until it was _gone_. A thin drop of sweat slid down a distressed surface gracefully, hitting every corner until it stopped at the base of the _white_ shirt. Two thick fingers were now pressed on the collar, pulling it open, revealing a prominent Adam’s apple and more sweat. Another tiny drop of sweat started down on its own adventure, sliding down the right temple, into a cheek wrinkle, down on the sharp jawline to end up on the neck. From there, it slid down the apple’s slide and died in a crook under the said apple.

A sudden hit on the table misplaced some of the white sheets and another groaned echoed in the small room. The said groaning person got up from the uncomfortable chair and headed straight towards the blocked windows. With a violent movement, he managed to break them open, almost holding onto them too hard and taking them out of their place. The air was fresh and the sudden breeze was calming, it surely calmed the sweat and the said person. _He_, as our person is a male, walked back towards his desk and sat down. He ran his thick fingers through his thin hair, trying not to mess up his decent look as he took a deep breath. “One more”, sounded his deep voice as he hummed, shortly but clearly. He grabbed one of the sheets on his desk and read it in his mind, trying to make sense of it, but nothing really makes sense. He dismissed the paper, without thinking about it too much. Every single inked word on that white paper was wrong. And he did not want to deal with that right now, not now, not _today_.

He grabbed his empty mug in an attempt to clean his throat, he let another groan. He had emptied that mug earlier that day. And nobody walked in his small room since this morning. The mug will not just fill itself back. He stood up once more and with his blue mug, he headed straight towards the door, opening it for the first time since this morning. The sudden change of light and noise surprised him, and it took him about ten seconds to get used to it. Once he did, he walked towards his destination, the coffee machine. Beautiful creation, in its every detail. The annoying noise it makes does not disturb him, if so, it calms him. You know what they say, no afternoon without coffee. And he literally functioned like that. It is rather sad, really. The only way he can keep his _sparkle_ is by faking it through the means of a brown substance.

“Mr. Park! I have not seen you around today”, a graceful, thin voice sounded right from behind him. He hid his sudden surprise and looked over his shoulder to spot the person nearby. It was a woman, in her mid-30s most probably, a face he knew for a while now. She was shorter than him and liked to keep her hair in a tight bun, even if her beautiful brown hair was worth keeping free. She usually wore a tight, knee-length black skirt and different shirt colours. Today, she was different and he observed right away. Her signature bun was airy, making her hair stand out more. She wore a thin layer of foundation and her lips were lightly painted a rose-red colour. She had a red jacket over her white shirt and her skirt was slightly shorter than before. He was not the man to observe changes, but even a blind man could see that she was different today for some reasons.

“Ms. Choi. I did not have any appointments yet”, he said in a soft, but deep voice, smiling shortly at her. “Have you changed your hairstyle?”, he asked, even if the change was more than just at hair level. He just knew women loved it when men observe changes and for some reasons, she screamed ‘give me some attention’. He observed a thin red colour spread on her cheeks to her ears. He knew then he made the right choice of words.

“Oh, you observed. Yes, I changed my hair colour”, she said with a tiny smile, flattered. She did change a lot, but colour was not one of the items she changed, he would know. However, he did not want to continue this conversation, because he knew where it was heading.

“It looks pretty”, he said and hailed in his mind as he soon got hold of his coffee. He grabbed his blue mug and turned to leave, avoiding somehow her reaction. She was not going to let him go like that, he was sure. And he was right. She followed him.

“Thank you”, she said softly and stopped right in front of his door. She did not want to invade his private lane, fact he highly appreciated. But she wanted something, he knew it. She was biting down her bottom, red lip and her eyes were sinking deeper down. He hated ignoring people maybe that was his problem. It was for sure a problem he could not get rid of.

“Did something happen, Ms. Choi?”, he asked and she looked up, finally. She smiled shortly and cleared her throat, nervous. Oh boy, here comes trouble. He knew by the look on her face exactly what she wanted to ask or suggest.

“I was wondering, if you are free today after the teachers’ meeting?”, she asked with her teeth sinking deeper in her bottom lip. He almost rolled his eyes, but of course he could not be rude to her. She changed her looks for him and he knew that, he just did not want to accept it.

“I am sorry, Ms. Choi. I must drive to my mother’s tonight, she has been feeling unwell. How about this weekend?”, he said with a tiny bit of regret in his tone. After all, he did not want to sound like a jerk. Plus, what he said was utterly true. His mother has been sick lately and he was truly worried. He was always such a mommy’s boy, but who can blame him? She is all he has got left.

“I am truly sorry to hear that, Mr. Park. Of course, I would like that. I wish all the best to your mother”, she said, with a new sparkle of hope in her eyes. She was certainly not mad, because he offered an open field, which he should not have done. But in the end, what harm can one date do? He has not been on dates for years, maybe he should get back into business. He excused himself and walked back into his office to grab his papers. It was one o’clock and his only class was starting soon.

He walked down the now empty hallways, with some of the white inked papers in his hand. He was ready, but at the same time tired of everything. He spent hours and hours looking at papers, trying to make sense out of non-sense and it never gets better. He wished he could do something else, start it all over and take another path. But now it was too late for him and the years were catching up with him, it was not really pleasant. He felt old, even if he was still young and blooming. His soul was just aging. He reached at the troubled door and opened easily, only to be greeted by an unbearable noise, just like every time. This was the noisiest class, he could not wait to escape from it. But as we know, we are always followed by things we do not want to do. Soon, the people calmed down one by one, but it took a while. As soon as he got their attention at him, he lifted the papers up.

“I have brought your assignments back. I must say, some of you really worked hard on it. Some of you though, it was not so good”, he said, trying to keep his anger at minimum. He cannot offend people and sometimes it was hard for him. Because all he wanted to scream right now was ‘you are a bunch of dumb shits’. But of course, that was not admissible. He passed the papers back at every student, and did not add anything about them anymore. A whole new lecture was waiting ahead and he had no intentions on repeating what he already said million times. Yes, he was not a really good teacher. The lecture was on Beauty, as was the assignment picked. The image of Beauty in the late 19th century, something only few students managed to cover. The lecture went on undisturbed, luckily, and it came to an end pretty quickly. Now there was only one thing left to do, relieve his distress. There was one certain paper that gave him headaches, that was complete non-sense and he intended to talk to its author. “No assignment for next session. Mr. Byun, could you stay behind for a few minutes?”, he called on a certain student and had a positive respond to his request.

Now he had his past quarrels with Mr. Byun and it was usually because the boy was extremely impertinent, lacking the sense of mutual respect. Byun Baekhyun was his problem-student. Not only has Baekhyun failed his exam for this discipline, he was completely sick of giving Baekhyun speeches. The second year student approached, carelessly. Baekhyun was a young person in all the sense of the word ‘young’. He was irresponsible, and mostly living for the moment. His face radiated with happiness, even when he was frowning. It was that kind of youth that could not be hidden, and somehow Mr. Park envied it. Baekhyun’s face had no wrinkles or signs of worry, it was perfectly stretched and rosy just like a baby’s. His lips were sculpted in the most beautiful shape, naturally curved upwards. His eyes were deep and they were saying more than he was speaking, but at the same they were not saying enough. Todays he chose to wear a lean-back outfit, black jeans and a tight white shirt with the censured word ‘f*ck’ on it, covered by a black leather jacket. His black hair was messy and his ears piercing were standing up. Baekhyun had an indescribable attitude, mostly because Mr. Park could not make anything out of it. He was mysterious, some kind of backyard child with no family and no friends. Sometimes however, he was sociable, the new kid on the block with all the girls by his side. But in reality, Mr. Park was sure Baekhyun was just a jerk, a jackass without a purpose in life. At that time, he did not know that the picture he painted of Baekhyun was merely his own reflection.

“Why was I asked to stay?”, Baekhyun asked coolly and sat down on the chair in front of Mr. Park’s desk. Carelessly, Baekhyun leaned back in his chair, taking a rather relaxed pose. Obviously, he was not tensed. And that somehow made Mr. Park feel uneasy.

“It is about your paper”, Mr. Park started and took out the sheet of paper, or rather the sheet of bullshit. He glanced over at it for mere seconds, before sliding it at Baekhyun. “This is non-sense, Mr. Byun”, he said, a little disappointed. The last thing Mr. Park wanted was to work extra for someone like Baekhyun.

“What about it is it non-sense, Mr. Park?”, Baekhyun asked in a rather mocking tone, grabbing his paper and looking over it as well, a little indifferent. Mr. Park tried not to burst in anger, and it was quite hard for him not to.

“Nothing about that says anything about the topic I gave you. I do not know what your deal is, but I must say I will not pass you again”, Mr. Park said and cleared his throat. “Not with such things”, he continued and placed two fingers on his Adam’s apple that was now pulsing. He had no idea how much this enraged him. As much as Mr. Park tried to hide it, Baekhyun could read him like an open book and it was quite frustrating. Baekhyun cleared his throat and took the paper, leaning even more on his chair. For some reasons, Mr. Park wanted that chair to break right away.

“_Beauty is a form of Genius – is higher, indeed, than Genius, as it needs no explanation_. _It is one of the great facts of the world, like sunlight, or springtime, or the reflection in the dark waters of that silver shell we call the moon. It cannot be questioned. It has divine right of sovereignty. It makes princes of those who have it_”, Baekhyun ‘read’ out loud as he was holding his paper. His voice was soothing and mesmerising and it caught Mr. Park’s attention right away. The words fell perfectly out of his moist lips, no mistake in pronunciation, they were just as beautiful as the quote they spoke. Baekhyun stopped for a few seconds, making sure Mr. Park was paying attention to what he has to ‘read’. Then he continued. “To a Victorian like Oscar Wilde, Beauty was the ultimate form of life, the divine, something he was completely obsessed with. Physical beauty, of course, was his main focus in his wonderful novel, but he focuses on more than just physical beauty”, Baekhyun continued and placed the paper down on the desk. Mr. Park’s lips were parted, completely shocked by the change of attitude. He was caught off guard. “He focuses on what happens to the soul when we give in forbidden desires, an ethic focus, if you wish”, Baekhyun continued and his eyes were now focused on Mr. Park’s and a little smirked played on the corner of his upwards curled lips. “But, as Henry says, if we do not submit to our temptation, we will just long for our unfulfilled desires. Do you long for your desires, Mr. Park?”, Baekhyun asked and Mr. Park was once again caught off guard. Yes, he did not respond. It was too much of a shock for him to actually have a proper reaction.

“Nothing of what you said is written there”, Mr. Park said and pointed at the paper that was filled with complete non-sense, nothing compared to what this child could actually say about beauty. And the way he said it, he really believed it, every word he said. Mr. Park could not help but feel helpless in front of Baekhyun.

“That is my problem”, Baekhyun said and stood up from his chair, fixing his black leather jacket. “I am not a writer, Mr. Park. I am a talker”, he said it with a smile, the most mocking smile Mr. Park has ever seen. This child _wanted_ to be called in front of him. Baekhyun knew that writing non-sense will make Mr. Park pick up on him. And, stupidly, Mr. Park fell for his stupid prank. Baekhyun walked away after that and Mr. Park could not stop him. He could only stare at the paper and try to understand what just happened. He got played. And he got played well. And the worst part might be the fact that Baekhyun read him like an open book. He read _every_ word. He uncovered every _dead sparkle_. The real low-life was him, not Baekhyun. And every day from now on, he will see it more.


	2. relief

Saturday appeared fast, almost taking Mr. Park by surprise. Of course, he loved his free time, but now this time was rather overshadowed by a certain woman, who he could not refuse. It was not all terrible though, he needed some distraction especially after his rough week. And still, at the back of his head, his short conversation with Baekhyun was on repeat. He heard his voice inside his head every time he breathed in and out, the voice of the careless male stained his brain and his words, his _beautiful_ words, were present in his life every day, still not deciphered. There was nothing else he would rather listen to. But unfortunately - yet happily – he did not see Baekhyun since that day. He had no idea why, they just did not cross paths again. Still, Mr. Park was awfully curious, he was longing for an encounter, it was like a drug he has refused to take until now. Was it the _forbidden desire_ Baekhyun was talking about? He had no idea about that. He was merely lost in his thoughts, alerted at the sight of every person around him, hoping desperately to see Baekhyun walk pass by him and stop him for...That is it, he did not know what for. Mr. Park had no clue why he wanted to stop Baekhyun, he did not know what he would say or what he could say. In the end there was _nothing_ he could really say. He just wanted to _listen_, so desperately, the thought of it would not stop nagging him. And his obsessive preoccupation was quite obvious, since the woman who so hopefully and happily walked with him in a café started to question him about his state of mind, which he would not reveal in a hundred and one years. The woman was persistent and he could not avoid her for an eternity, so he has forced himself to actually listen to their conversation.

“You seem thoughtful, Mr. Park. Did something bad happen?”, she asked, a thin line of worry painted on her clear forehead. The woman was indeed beautiful, but she was not something he wanted. He found her rather dull, not only from this conversation, just in general. He was not attracted to her, but she was definitely attracted to him. He could not help but feel a little guilty about that, she had indeed high hopes. She was probably looking for a future husband and he was of no help.

“Please, call me Chanyeol”, he started and smiled shortly at her, grabbing the mug in front of it, inspecting it for a while. “Nothing really. Just thinking about my mother”, he said, half-lying. He was rather concerned, since his mother’s health got worse in the meantime and it hurt him that he could not be by her side all the time. But that was not his main thought. However, he could never reveal his actual concern, his actual thoughts. He needed something his, only _his_. And Baekhyun’s words were _his_.

“Oh, I am sorry to hear that, Chanyeol”, she said, her plum cheeks tinted red. She was blushing, rather much, not being able to hide her excitement. It was not excitement because of what Chanyeol said, it was because of the approach he allowed between them. He did not know if it was a mistake or not, but he disliked being called by his surname. She looked at her mug as well, the frosting on top of her cappuccino already melted inside the sweet coffee. She waited for him to take the first sip, so he did it. After that, she could finally enjoy her coffee too.

“Tell me about you. How are your parents?”, Chanyeol asked friendly and kept his voice as normal as possible. It was rather cold, he tried to keep a clear distance because he was not interested. She received the message, but she did not erased her smile. She kept it on nevertheless. Chanyeol tried to observe her in detail, just for the pure purpose of reading her. Of course, his readings have not been proven efficient before, but maybe women were easier to decipher. The first thing he observed, and he kind of blamed himself for not observing it earlier, was a brown speck on her neck. She tried to cover it with make-up, but it was still visible. He did not know what it was, but it looked a lot like a bruise. He did not ask about it, of course, but that did not mean he was not curious.

“My parents are rather good. They moved back in Busan, my hometown. They said Seoul was far too noisy for them and I understand them. I am just happy I can still go and visit them once in a while”, she said with a smile on her face. She was pretty happy talking about her family, so Chanyeol assumed there was nothing wrong in the family or nothing to worry about at least. “And my young sister is around home a lot anyways, so they are not feeling lonely”, she said with her smile not moving. It was as if the smile was oil-painted on her lips, soaked into a white canvas. As if she knew nothing but _smile_. But her sparkle was long gone and the age touched her terribly in some place, especially around her still-beating heart. It was quite sad to see such a marvellous flower droop somewhere outside the whole frame of life.

“I am glad to hear that. I wish I could be more around my mother”, Chanyeol said with his smile painted downwards. His lip-line was being naturally dragged downwards for some reasons. Might be because of his everyday struggle, might be because of physiognomy. Thinking about it, a picture of Baekhyun slid right in front of him. The boy had the lip-line naturally dragged upwards, in a forever smile. Chanyeol had no clue what that meant, but he was _jealous_. Nevertheless, he wanted his lip-line to be like that too, he wanted to have the power to turn it back up. “I did not know you have a sister?”, Chanyeol continued, dragging himself out of his disturbing thoughts. Not because he disliked them, but because they were stealing all his attention.

“I do. She is still a student. I am proud of her, she has really good results”, she said happily and clasped her hands together, in a gesture of happiness. She looked excited when she was asked about her life, about her family. Chanyeol liked that about her, she was not letting herself down and it was something Chanyeol had to work on intensely. She did not get to finish her talk, nor did she finish her coffee as a tall and handsome man appeared in the café. He did not wasted time looking around and headed straight for their table.

“Jisoo, what are you doing here?”, he asked in a demanding tone, glancing over at Chanyeol sceptically. Chanyeol looked up at him and without even knowing who he is, he could read him. He had no idea how, but he could. That man was pure _evil_. Nothing about him screamed trust or happiness. He looked and felt like a monster, despite his handsome features. Jisoo was uncomfortable, but her smile was still painted on. She got up to respond to the male’s demand, assuring him she was not really engaged in the conversation.

“Jiwoon, such a surprise to see you here”, she said and looked at the man, then back at Chanyeol. “This is one of my colleagues, Mr. Park. We were discussing about an upcoming conference”, she lied with a smile on her lips. Chanyeol was utterly shocked, but he decided to go along with it since this man did not inspire him any good thoughts. Chanyeol stood up too and attempted to shake hands with the person he has just met. The man did not even care about Chanyeol’s hospitality, instead he grabbed Jisoo’s arm harshly, almost violently and pulled her closer to him.

“I hope Mr. Park is aware of the fact that you are engaged”, Jiwoon almost hissed under his breath and Chanyeol was shocked once more, but he did not let it show. He just nodded, confirming the fact that he knows about the engagement – which he did not know about. Just by one look, he knew Jisoo was trapped in an unwanted relationship with an abusive man and there was nothing he could do about it. He could not blame her for running in the arms of another man, in hope of escaping from a living Hell. Chanyeol was stuck, he could say nothing, he could do nothing, absolutely nothing. He was useless and he felt useless. The man did not even wait for her to speak up, he cut her right off sharply, with a sick dominance Chanyeol had never seen before. “We are leaving. Good day, mister”, Jiwoon dragged Jisoo with him like an object. The poor girl’s body trembled, she was so fragile. Chanyeol felt terrible, the only thing he did was bid goodbye and give Jisoo a sad smile. It was not encouraging at all and he felt like a loser. He does not know why he could not be a man in that moment and just pull her away from that monster. He regretted not stepping in between, he regretted it so badly. He could not stay much longer at the café, so he just paid for their orders, leaving terribly sad afterwards.

It was true that he was not into her, but still he could have pretended. He could have kissed her, give her new hope and marry her. If he knew, he would have given up on everything and marry her. That is how bad he felt about it. Dragging his legs over the slightly wet pavement, Chanyeol felt his head heavier than before. The sun has already disappeared and a dim orange line cut the sky and some clouds. It was getting colder as well, the night was soon over him. Chanyeol did not feel like going home, instead he kept on walking down the streets, lost in his thoughts and with a sad face. Suddenly, he stopped in front of a street door, probably some apartment. It looked abandoned, so Chanyeol let himself sink on the stairs in front of it, looking up as the colours disappeared from the sky, being replaced with an utter darkness, a black colour he liked to associate with emptiness. Yes, the sky felt utterly empty to him. Not even minutes after he found peace on those chopped pieces of stairs, a voice ruined his contemplation. At first, he did not associate that voice with anything, he found it rather useless. But it took him just seconds to recognize it. Chanyeol was ashamed to turn his head or look up. This was not how he imaged he would see him again.

“Mr. Park? I would like to enter my home now”, the clear voice sounded again and was followed by a low, sexy chuckle. It was how Chanyeol perceived it at least. So, he had to look up only to find the face he has been dreaming of for some days now. Baekhyun was looking down at him, an amused expression painted on his fair face. Chanyeol could not help but feel embarrassed, standing up right away as he looked at the slightly shorter boy.

“I apologize. I must have lost track of time”, Chanyeol said and stepped away from the door in order to let Baekhyun enter his apartment, the apartment who looked rather abandoned. Chanyeol was completely dazzled on how he ended up right in front of Baekhyun’s apartment. It cannot be a coincidence. Even if he stood up and morally he should have left already, he stayed and watched how Baekhyun unlocked his damaged apartment door. Chanyeol could not take his eyes off of him and it was annoying. At the back of his head he already cursed Baekhyun three times, using a blooming choice of words, but his lips spoke none of them. Baekhyun opened the door at last and swung it open easily, turning around to look at Chanyeol with the same mocking smile he has ever had.

“Would you like to come in, Mr. Park?”, he asked and made room for Chanyeol to pass by if he will. Chanyeol did not wanted to, but he did it anyways. Something dragged him inside and he blamed the spirits, he blamed Baekhyun’s demonic presence. Chanyeol just needed to be inside that house right now, he needed his drug right now. He seriously felt like a drug addict, always longing for something he should give up on, but somehow in the end he would still grab the white power and inhale it. Baekhyun shut the door after Chanyeol, locking it, probably for precaution. Chanyeol did not mind it, he was busy with inspecting the home like a child on the Christmas Day. The apartment was simple, there was not much around but it was much nicer inside than outside. The lights were decent and they offered a romantic atmosphere, something Chanyeol liked a lot. His apartment was way different. His lights would always shine too brightly or not at all, his walls were all white whilst Baekhyun’s were a decent maroon with some white borders here and there. Chanyeol did not even observe when Baekhyun walked pass by him, throwing his leather jacket on one of the chairs and heading towards the kitchen. “What would you have, Mr. Park?”, Baekhyun’s voice sounded from the kitchen and Chanyeol’s attention shifted towards the young male. It was the first time since he made his decision that he actually regretted it. It was embarrassing, being in one of his student’s home so casually.

“I should go”, Chanyeol said once he stepped inside the kitchen. He was amazed by the incredible design it had. It imitated white exactly a bar, but was way more decent. Baekhyun was at the fridge, taking out something that looked like alcohol. Chanyeol focused for a while on his outfit, which was different from a few days ago. His black pants were ripped quite barbarically, revealing his nice knees. His ocean-blue T-shirt was quite large, almost sliding down his shoulders completely in a unique way. Chanyeol could not imagine anyone else wearing such a dreadful outfit and look so mesmerizing. Baekhyun in his very essence was mesmerizing, a piece of art that made Chanyeol addicted. And he did not have this thought about Baekhyun’s beauty before, never really. But when that young man opened his sweet mouth, everything changed, especially Chanyeol’s view of him.

“If you had to go, you would have not come inside”, Baekhyun said and placed one of the cans on the bar, on it written with caps Cranberry Vodka. So in the end, it was an alcoholic drink. “Have some, it is really good”, Baekhyun said and pushed a glass next to the can, taking a seat, inviting Chanyeol to sit down as well. Somehow Baekhyun knew he was needed and Chanyeol, as much as he hates to admit it, needed Baekhyun’s presence right now. He took a seat in front of Baekhyun, at the bar. Baekhyun pulled out a package of cigarettes and a lighter and placed it in between them on the bar. He did not need to say anything about that, Chanyeol knew what the gesture means but he did not give in. He has not smoked in years and he did not want to get into it again, since his mother really hates to see him with cigarettes. Baekhyun kept looking at him, waiting. Not for him to get a cigarette, but for him to speak. And Chanyeol had no idea what to say or how to say it. He felt weird, very weird. He was at a bar with vodka in his glass and one of his students in front of him, he _hated_ this situation.

“_It is a sad truth, but we have lost the faculty of giving lovely names to things_”, Baekhyun quoted the same book he has quoted during their first meeting after a while of silence. The corners of his lips formed a slight smirk. “So tell me their ugly names”, he continued and kept on looking at Chanyeol, knowing something must be troubling him. Baekhyun reached for one of the cigarettes and pressed it between his lips, lighting it. He inhaled the first smoke, exhaling a white fog afterwards that was now rising in the air. The smell of fresh cigarettes was intriguing Chanyeol, especially after such a terrible day, but he _resisted_. However, he could not resists the urge of engaging in a long-waited conversation.

“I might have let someone’s life be ruined”, Chanyeol placed his hand on the glass with vodka. He did not think too much about it and quickly took a long sip of it. He was enraged with himself and he could not stand it. He held it inside but in front of Baekhyun he felt safe, even if he knew it was wrong. Baekhyun continued to look at him, not saying anything. He drew on his cigarette, breathing out the smoke right at Chanyeol on purpose. The smoke travelled slowly through the air and it got mixed with Baekhyun’s fresh mint breath, making it even more appealing. However, Chanyeol kept resisting. “I felt unable to do anything. I did not do anything and I regret it”, he spoke boldly, somehow feeling the alcohol hitting him and influencing his honesty. “I could have punched that idiot”, Chanyeol said and grunted his teeth in anger, yes, he was affected by the event. Apparently more than he realized.

“Why did you not do it?”, Baekhyun asked calmly, smoking his cigarette in peace as he took some sips from his drink as well. All the smoke he exhaled, was directed purposefully towards Chanyeol, who was rather having a break down now. Chanyeol thought about it, hard, but he could not find a proper answer. He was a coward, yes, but that was not the only reason he hesitated. There was much more behind that then just fear. He wanted to be a man, but instead he was a frightened mouse. Chanyeol hit the bar with his fist, mumbling a ‘damn it’ in frustration. The alcohol was impeding his thinking and he disliked that. Baekhyun stood up and walked around the bar slowly, taking a seat next to Chanyeol on one of the empty chairs.

“You are unhappy”, Baekhyun stated and drew on his cigarette once more, exhaling the smoke away from Chanyeol this time. “You have been resisting too much”, he continued and looked back at Chanyeol, smiling shortly, still mocking in Chanyeol’s eyes. “You know, the key of having a happy life is giving in desires. Of course, in a controlled way, an ethic way. Something that will not destroy your soul, but please it”, Baekhyun moved a little closer to Chanyeol with his chair. He reached a level of intimacy Chanyeol has not experienced in years. Baekhyun was close, but still decently close, paying attention to every detail of his pose. Baekhyun was a perfectionist and that is one thing Chanyeol could not see sober, but could see with his mind clouded. The measurements of Baekhyun’s actions were incredible, mathematical and precise. He knew exactly how close to get to intimidate Chanyeol, but still keep a reasonable distance, challenging Chanyeol. Baekhyun drew on his cigarette for the last time, as it was already consumed, and leaned in closer, still keeping the calculated distance between them. Baekhyun then breathed out the smoke, dangerously close to Chanyeol’s parted lips. “You have to start low”, he whispered and the smoke penetrated Chanyeol’s mouth right away, making his mouth salivate with need. It took him one second to take a cigarette out of the package and light it, drawing on it long, almost consummating at once as he breathed out all of that wanted smoke directly on Baekhyun’s face, as a form of revenge or rather of understanding. The draw was so intense, Chanyeol felt his whole body tensing up and relieving at once, almost in an erection. He wanted this, he really _wanted_ this. Baekhyun was satisfied and his devilishly gorgeous smile did not die from his lips. Instead, he took another cigarette and joined Chanyeol.

“I will punch that guy”, Chanyeol said conclusive after a while, taking a big sip of his vodka. He got a little tipsy, but he liked it better like this. He felt more sober than ever, he felt _alive_. “I hate my job”, he said with a short laughter of sorrow. Right now, he does not care who Baekhyun is anymore, for him, he is just a close someone. Or maybe he was too drunk to think straight. Chanyeol drank his last sip of vodka, but once it was gone, Baekhyun filled it right back. Chanyeol smoked about five cigarettes one after another, coughing in between since it has been a long while. Baekhyun was not going easy on them either, despite being about six years younger than him. Chanyeol felt so good, he has never feel so good. He was smoking, drinking and barely saying a thing, but he was _happy_.

“What would you do, if not teach, Mr. Park?”, Baekhyun asked at some point while exhaling some smoke and sipping some vodka. Chanyeol lifted one finger up, his pointing finger, in order to underline what he has to say. Despite being a little tipsy, he was still speaking clearly.

“Call me Chanyeol”, he said and put his finger down, taking another gulp of his drink. “I always wanted to be a model”, he continued and chuckled after, realizing how stupid that might sound. “Just because I am tall. A lot of people told me I have a modelling face. But I am too soft for the modelling business”, he said with a slight regret. It was his dream at last, but he never had the chance to accomplish it. Maybe with this new mind-set he will actually be able to achieve it. But then again, the thought of not having a stable job was already stressing him out, so he had to take another gulp of his alcoholic drink.

“_The world is changed because you are made of ivory and gold. The curves of your lips rewrite history_”, Baekhyun said and exhaled the smoke towards Chanyeol again. The sweet scent of cigarettes mixed with Baekhyun’s flawless breath was incredible and it was making Chanyeol tipsier. “If you remember that, if you live by that principle, you will do more than you can ever imagine. Trust me”, he said and chuckled shortly, taking a sip of his vodka as well. Chanyeol looked at Baekhyun with such admiration an artist looks at his art. Everything about this creature was beautiful and Chanyeol could not understand why. He did not understand why Baekhyun could mould him so easily, why one word Baekhyun said meant more than any other word. But Chanyeol was no longer complaining. Baekhyun was a good influence, at least for him, he was.

“Did it work for you?”, Chanyeol asked, lost and almost drawn in his own art. Baekhyun nodded and said something, but this time Chanyeol understood without even hearing. Instead, he kept staring at Baekhyun. He stared at him, until his eyes were watering from all the smoke around the room, until he could no longer keep his eyes open to stare. Baekhyun did not mind it at all, instead he would stare back too. They exchanged intense moments of silence, where no words were needed for what their eyes spoke, said more than any spoken words. There was only one thing he wanted tonight, only one more desire he has to yield to. Chanyeol did not think much, as he wanted to give in his burning desire in an attempt of changing his life. Without warning, he stood up from his chair and surprised Baekhyun with his sudden action. Then, mindlessly, he sat on Baekhyun’s lap. Never, ever would he have done it sober. But right now, nothing had a name. Not their actual relationship of teacher-student, not the fact that Chanyeol could barely keep his eyes open and not the fact that he was not helping his sexual drive. But Baekhyun did not question his actions, not even one second. He had no confusion in his eyes either, as if he was expecting Chanyeol to do that. Well, Chanyeol for one has not expected this.

The intensity of the moment was something Chanyeol could not compare to anything else. They stared at each other for a long while, almost making Chanyeol giggle like a schoolgirl, stupidly enough, especially for a 27 years old. Yet he was drunk, so his actions should be excused, but nobody really excuses them. Baekhyun’s hands fist rested on Chanyeol’s hips, trying to hold a straight balance as they were both unable to hold a balance by themselves. But his hands did not stay long on Chanyeol’s hips, not after Chanyeol let some short excitement sounds escape between his burning lips. Baekhyun’s hands moved eagerly on Chanyeol’s ass-cheeks, his fingers creating small circles. He still had one more smoke out of his cigarette, so he made sure Chanyeol approaches him accordingly. Chanyeol did not refuse to approach Baekhyun, almost too excited to actually realize the situation. Baekhyun drew on his cigarette and held the smoke in his mouth until Chanyeol was close enough, then he pulled Chanyeol’s chin down and breathed out the smoke into Chanyeol’s mouth, allowing them to sink in a deep euphoria at the slight drug they kept consuming. Baekhyun did not resist, because resisting was not his purpose, not in Chanyeol’s life at least. He bit down Chanyeol’s plum lip, almost to blood, making the older male moan in a sudden unexpected pleasure. But that was all. Baekhyun sucked on the lip for about two seconds, before letting it go and putting a distance between their faces again. It was enough for Chanyeol, he could not cope with the sudden intensity of the pleasures he was getting. He enjoyed the bite more than anything else, more than anything anyone has ever done to him. He felt like a virgin again, a virgin under the dominance of something unexplainable. He let his head fall back with a slight arch of his body, before moaning out in relief. Baekhyun breathed out as well and relaxed in his chair, still slightly holding Chanyeol. Nothing happened after that and at some point, Chanyeol found his way back home in a taxi. As he got home, he could only find his way to the bed, entirely exhausted, but he never felt more _alive_.


	3. end

The morning vapers raised from the ground in the sunlight and the rain stopped pouring for now. It was a rather cold morning, but it was the best morning for Chanyeol so far. He woke up fresh, scent of cigarettes still all over his clothes and in his hair. He rolled around in the bed with a smile, for the first time in years. He made his way towards the shower, washing down his sins from two nights before. However, he admitted to himself that they happened. He did not want to forget it, even if now he was completely sober and aware of his forbidden desire. It took him a while to get ready and with a fresh coffee in his hand, he rushed out the door and locked it behind him. On the way to the university, he bought a pack of cigarettes, the same brand he has smoked last night. He felt addicted to this pleasure he rediscovered and for now, he wants to get deep into it. Smoking was his vice and as much as he hated to admit it, he could think better while smoking. Of course, he will turn this vice down after a while, slow it down, because he is aware of the dangers it brings and the last thing he wants is to get sick and die before his mother. Once arrived at the university, he found himself between his four walls once again. But this time, his desk was not _white_, it was brown again. He took every single paper on it and threw it away, without even looking at it twice, without checking a single inked word. He just did not care about that. Not even seconds after he did that, a knock on his door surprised him, but he welcomed the person nevertheless.

It was none but Choi Jisoo, his date. She was red in her cheeks and the foundation she used was obviously covering up patches of her skin nobody should see. Chanyeol’s memory of Saturday came back at Chanyeol like a punch, he remembered why he indulged in his sins after all. Seeing this young woman almost breaking in front of him, was not a pleasant sign, especially when he blamed himself for whatever happened to her. He took the chance to approach her, in order to observe her better. She looked up at him, almost tearing up. He did not know what she wanted to say, but it must have been important. He did not let her speak, his palm slid softly over her cheeks to stop her falling tears and without warning, he pressed his full lips over her forehead comforting. He hated watching her cry, she was an innocent, unlike _him_. She did not break any moral laws, she was just unlucky and he wanted to make her escape her toxic environment before she ends up in pieces. Normally, he would never get this close to people, not even when he felt guilty. But he had an awakening, all thanks to Baekhyun. He must change what he hates about his life unless he wants to end up in a dumpster in the university’s yard. She felt comforted and relieved, allowing herself to cling shortly on Chanyeol’s _messy_ shirt. She cried, but so silently, not even the thoughts could hear her. But he knew she was crying, so his hand stroke her hair slowly.

“I will file a police report for domestic violence”, he said lightly, not even thinking of the weight of his words. He did not care if he will end up beaten in the streets for saying that, he just had to help her get away from that monster. She did not say anything, maybe because she did not realize at that time what his words meant, not exactly anyways. But he was serious, he will not let that pass by him again. And he was a witness, there is nothing more that can verify the truth of this case. Her visible bruises are proof enough to put that man in jail for at least two years. Meanwhile, he had to take care of her in some way, help her get away, because such evil will only come back again and again.

“No…”, she spoke after a while, responding to what Chanyeol said, while looking up with a smile. It was incredible how much this woman could take, how many tears she could hold and how strong she was. Chanyeol was impressed, he wished to be that strong. “I will…move out. I will go to Busan, he does not know where my parents live. I will take some time off, so I came to say goodbye”, she said and breathed out heavily. She regretted saying goodbye, but at this time she had no choice. Chanyeol looked at her sad, but he did not let go of his intentions.

“He will follow. I must do this, Jisoo. You are just a victim here, you do not deserve this”, he continued and let go of her, walking back at his desk to grab his phone. “One of my high school classmates works at the police department in a high position. I can get this done in less than two days and obtain a restraining order as well. Just…let me do this. Either way I will end up killing him myself”, Chanyeol said softly, trying to encourage Jisoo. What he said was true, in his rediscovered position, he could see himself actually murdering someone. She could not object anymore, she wanted to escape from that Hell and for now Chanyeol was the only one who has ever offered her help.

Chanyeol managed, very legally, to make Jisoo’s case a priority and within a month, the so-called fiancé had a restraining order in his file plus he was convicted to six years in the community service with restricted rights and freedom. He did not get to go to prison, but Chanyeol was more than happy to have him away from her for a long while. Jisoo moved to Busan right away and left her job at the Seoul University only to get hired three months later at a kindergarten in Busan. She was finally happy after all these years and she had Chanyeol to thank to. Of course, she would have loved to have him come with in Busan, but he could not possibly accept that. She understood his intentions are purely friendly and accepted his friendship in return. In fact, she recently fell in love with one of his colleagues and was having serious plans ahead, as she explained in her recent E-Mail sent to Chanyeol.

As for Chanyeol, he made the biggest decision of his life. He quit his unhappy job only to run straight towards the first modelling agency. It took him about two months of hard work in order to be accepted as a part-time model, something good enough for the beginning. He was lucky enough to get the chance of staring in a photoshoot for November Vogue. The pictures turned out incredible and Chanyeol never ever saw himself as handsome. His vision of himself changed completely after he took a look at those pictures. He felt confident and sexy for the first time in probably his whole life and more than that, he was loved and appreciated by everyone he worked with. And what about Baekhyun? Sadly, Chanyeol did not see him again after their hot Sunday. Not at university, not around town. He tried to contact Baekhyun a few times, but the line was always cut. He never went back to Baekhyun’s apartment and in time, he got too busy to actually keep searching. It was as if he has completely vanished. And it did bother Chanyeol, it saddened him. He wanted a sign from Baekhyun, so badly. He wanted him back, he wanted all of him. But the sad truth was that he did not _need_ him anymore. Baekhyun showed him an open door and he stepped on it, without taking Baekhyun with. Chanyeol did not know if the merit was his or Baekhyun’s. Rediscovering himself…must have been Baekhyun’s influence. He did not forget him, not even one second, but he was a memory now. Baekhyun was a part of the past and as the past was buried, so was Baekhyun.

One cold November night, Chanyeol found himself wandering down the streets towards an unknown location, he was just walking with nothing in his mind. He squeezed the jacket he was wearing at his chest, along with his scarf in an attempt to warm up. As he was walking straight ahead, he spotted a door with the corner of his eyes. The door was almost frozen from the cold wind and it looked unused, much like the whole street-apartment. It took Chanyeol a while to recognize the location and in an attempt to reconnect with his past, he knocked on the door, but nobody answered. He spotted a small ticket glued on the side of the door with a phone number and the letters ‘FOR SALE’ written big on it. Chanyeol reached out for his phone and dialled the number quickly, his heart pounding. His blood pressure raised and his cheeks were starting to redden because of the adrenaline. When the person on the other line picked up, Chanyeol’s breath stopped and his heart reached in his throat.

“Yes?”, a female voice answered surprised. Chanyeol’s world shook, it was not a voice he wanted to hear. He expected the devilishly sweet voice of a young male, but instead he got the voice of an elderly female. Nevertheless, he cleared his throat and spoke anyways.

“Hello, my name is Park Chanyeol. I am calling regarding the for sale apartment”, Chanyeol said and looked around a street name, but there was none nearby. However, he did not have to say it since the woman knew exactly what he was talking about.

“Oh, dear. That apartment has been for sale for nearly 10 years and nobody wanted it until now”, the woman said and Chanyeol’s eyes went wide. That could not be possible. The last time he was there, was six months ago and the apartment was very much alive. Baekhyun was the resident of this place and he was entirely sure there was no for sale sign on it. He was shocked, but in the end he knew what he had to do. He wanted that place, for personal reasons. He loved that apartment, he truly did.

“I would like to buy it, if you are still willing to sell it”, Chanyeol said and started to walk away from the door, scraping the number plate a little to find the number 04 on it. Then he walked further away to find a street name, in order to be able to find this door again. May, 04. That was the simple address of this meaningful place.

“Sure, dear. If you really wish to have it, you can have it. We could meet there tomorrow around noon to settle the agreement”, she said and Chanyeol thanked her, ending the conversation after that. He found himself walking back to his old apartment, already packing everything up. Why he wanted that old place instead of his wonderfully modern apartment was still a mystery. But somehow, Chanyeol felt like that apartment was all he needed to have in order for his life to be complete. Sure, he changed a lot in his life lately, but he was willing to change this one last thing in order to start _living_.

The next day, as promised, the woman was there around noon. She passed the apartment key to Chanyeol and showed him around. Everything was exactly as Chanyeol remembered. The maroon walls, the bar-like kitchen, even the dim-lights. His heart felt warm at the sudden atmosphere, all memories filling his head from second to second. He did not pay attention to what the woman said, he just wanted this place for himself and he wanted it now. Without much talk, he bought it. It was not expensive, not at all actually. And with his savings and the new money he has earned, he could pay for half of it right away. The other half was going to be paid at the end of the year, as he promised. He was kind of disappointed he could not buy it all at once, but he still needed money to live in this new house. The woman told him the lights need to be changed, but other than that the electricity was still alright. She told him some people worked on the apartment around five years ago, just to keep it intact, but she advised him to have someone look at it for everything to be alright. She even offered him a company number who is dealing with such things. In the end, she was lovely and she did not ask much about Chanyeol’s intentions. He was just a client, buying an old apartment for whatever reason. She left shortly afterwards, leaving Chanyeol completely alone in his new apartment. He was so happy, he knew this was his last calling. He needed this place so badly. Now he knew why Baekhyun showed it to him, in some odd ways. He _missed_ him. He did.

Chanyeol found his way to the fridge, opening it to cheek if there was anything inside. Surprisingly, there was. Two unopened cans of Cranberry Vodka. Chanyeol picked one and took it out, smiling melancholically at it, before opening it. A sudden scent caught his attention. _Smoke_ combined with a fresh scent of _mint_. Chanyeol’s heart skipped a beat and his breath got heavy, so heavy he almost fainted.

“_The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it_”, a voiced sounded from behind Chanyeol. Chanyeol felt some tears filling his eyes and the grip on the can got so hard, he was afraid to smash it. “I see you finally yield to it”, the voice continued and Chanyeol, with all his courage, turned around. And then he saw _him_ in all his beauty. He did not change a bit. He was still as charming as ever.

“How did you…”, Chanyeol could not finish, he felt like it was useless anyways. In the end, he did not even care, he was just happy it happened. The boy smiled at him, but this time Chanyeol did not find it mocking. He found it _perfect_.

“You called me”, he said and reached for the can in Chanyeol’s hand, grabbing it over Chanyeol’s own cold hand. Chanyeol dropped it, but it did not fall down, it fell right in Baekhyun’s hand. Baekhyun placed the can on the table nearby, and breathed out his last smoke from his cigarette, right in front of Chanyeol. It was enough to trigger his memory, his _pleasure_. But Chanyeol was still shocked, he was sure his cheeks and maybe whole face was red from holding back his tears. The emotional overload was almost overwhelming. Chanyeol found himself follow Baekhyun to _their_ chair. Once he sat down, Chanyeol got on his lap, just like before. But this time it was different, this time felt different. Baekhyun smiled at him softly and ran his hand over Chanyeol’s cheek, dragging his fingers down the once again _youthful_ face. Chanyeol felt like an 18-years old virgin, he felt incredibly young in front of someone as mature as Baekhyun. Baekhyun’s arms captured his trembling torso, pulling him slightly closer before speaking again. “I like our new apartment”, he said and Chanyeol’s face lightened up, for no particular reason. This was it, the peak of his life. This was his greatest and deepest _desire_.

“I like you”


End file.
